Owning up, coming out.

Owning up, coming out.

Today is my day for paying homage to the lineage, so to speak.

Twitter has #FollowFriday where people say thanks to those who’ve followed them or inspired them in some way. But as it’s the condensed version in 140 characters, this week it won’t do, at all!

Today I want to show my total, down on my knees, appreciation for some of the people who’ve made this journey possible. There are women who’ve I’ve worked with closely over the past couple of months and who have become precious mentors for me, and there’s one special person who sits high up on my own special Refuge Tree.

My recent posts have been a bit about my journey and experience, I’ve been writing to let you know a bit about who I am, what type of life I live, what interests me and how I work.

But I have to own up to something….

I was not getting it. I was missing an essential ingredient and without it I couldn’t tell what I was really doing. I couldn’t tell for myself and I couldn’t tell others in a nutshell sentence what I do.

And it was getting more and more painful, I felt my life force being drained, I was getting exhausted and feeling bankrupt in body, mind and in my bank account. The thing is, I always say I don’t really care about money, but care about it or not, at this point in the journey if there’s no money flowing it’s a MASSIVE SHOUT from the universe that something is wrong!

So, without realising that was what it was, I had my very own private *AA meeting this morning. (*I’m thinking of naming my version Avoidance Anonymous)

Finally I stood up in my little studio, and said out loud, to myself ..

Hello, my name’s Julie and I’m an astrologer!

Can you believe that after more than 25 years as a student, a consultant, owner of an astrology shop and personal guide, that I would never ever really say with my hand on my heart that ‘I’m an Astrologer ‘!  I wonder if I was cast out for being a witch or an astrologer in a past life? who knows. I had this little voice in my head reminding me that in the past, astrologers were held in esteem by the King and the Palace, they weren’t at all marginal or weird. They didn’t have to prove where the planets were in the sky or why we could use them to follow our destiny. They were trusted and respected and, even considered essential as the key holders to the way out of samsaric existence.

Funnily enough, in my family being an astrologer is nothing special. It’s more normal than anything else . My great auntie Florrie was a secret mystic who would reading anything she could get her hands on, although mostly she used playing cards and tea leaves. My mum came from a family of women with strong spiritual potential. She herself wouldn’t use her healing powers outwardly and she kept her magic for those closest to her, those who wouldn’t burn her in flames for speaking her truth.

So I guess I was looking for what else I might be, turning my back on what everyone else in the family did, as stroppy miserable teenagers tend to do!

During the Clarity session I had with Ann Brown a few weeks ago I was struggling with something that wasn’t fitting with how I was trying to put my working woman hat back on but still integrate my spiritual life.  I was attracted to her site because of her name. A big ‘walk this way’ signpost from the universe if ever there was one to get to closer to the inner me. My full birth name is Julie Ann Brown.  I blurted out a description of me that I had as a Wild Yogini, and she absolutely heard what I was saying. Now I think of it, this reminds me of that Not the Nine O’ Clock news sketch about the Gerald the Gorilla. The one where Mel Smith (bless him) talks of finding a wild Gorilla, and then Rowan Atkinson chimes up with that classic line; Wild, I was bloody livid!  My Wild Yogini was just that. Livid. Livid that I wouldn’t recognise her, or own her, or bring her out into the open.

So I stood up again, ‘ My name’s Julie and I’m a Yogini!

It all really started on Monday. I finally got round to having my monthly call with Nicola, only just in time for the month of March, so much else has been going on. I wanted to asked some techy questions about the new gallery style website I’m trying to make for my artist partner. We were talking about how to get ourselves to where the people who are looking to work us can actually ‘hire’ us. This week as a result of one link she suggested I follow, she ‘dared’ me to put the real me out in the world. I hadn’t even realised that’s what she’d done and I even wonder if she knew herself! It just naturally comes from working well at what we both have in common I guess.

She sent me to superpower astrologer Lissa Boles’ Soul Map website. I looked around and when I’d finished what I was watching there, I noticed a face that’s become familiar lately, Danielle La Porte. There was the video of the webcast that she gave back in December last year for the launch of the Desire Map. There’s a point where she asks you to ask yourself ‘why you want what you want’. It helps to show you where your motivation is for one! She used the example of someone wanting to earn six figures, ‘to make my mum happy…., keep going, why … and ‘ so I can get the love/approval I always wanted from my mum.’

One thing is for sure, I know in my bones that I have always had my mum’s love and approval. She told us always to go out there and live life full on, find our greatest potential, value ourselves well and always believe in miracles. She wouldn’t have been the slightest bit impressed if I showed up with 6 figures in my bank account, well maybe a little bit.

She would however love this  :  ‘My name’s Julie and I’m a Wild Astrology Yogini’.

Tomorrow would have been her 76th birthday. (April 5th). She died 20 years ago, when she was only 56. Tomorrow is also my daughter’s 11th Wedding anniversary. She chose her Nanny’s birthday as her wedding day and then got married the next year because it fell on a Saturday! My daughter knows too, I hope, that she will always have my love and approval for whoever she is and whatever she does. That’s really our family lineage now.

We’re always told that Yogini is a secret thing. My inner journey is my own private secret business, this my beautiful dakini sister reminded me of this week.. Thank you Sangye Lhamo. So if that means I have to not be doing this for a living, a way of earning money, then I’ll happily go and work in a coffee shop and let it go there.  But if this energy is about transformation and liberation, and it is, it has to be found in the outside world somewhere.  I’m not the first person to work that out, obviously …just about a billionth in-line I’d say….

So you know what, I’ll get out of the way, because I’m betting that the Wild Astrology Yogini has ideas of her own…